DEALING WITH FEELINGS

Anger, fear, sadness: the Big Three. Most of us learned at an early age that there are only two things to do with them: you either express them, spilling them out onto others; or you sit on them, stuffing them into the body and trying to forget you ever had a feeling. ("Angry? Nope, not me. I never get angry." "No, I'm not sad. I didn't even cry when my mother died...")

But there are drawbacks to both these approaches to so-called "negative" feelings, aren't there? Expressing our anger, fear or sadness can create a lot of trouble for us when others withdraw or even outright reject us because they're uncomfortable with feelings themselves. And closing down our feelings - well, that often leads to depression , not being able to feel at all. Even worse, those "stuffed" feelings are now chemically locked into our cells, giving rise to physical ailments of all kinds. (Most people know ulcers have something to do with repressed fear and worry; but do you know that asthma, allergies, tumors, endocrine disorders, auto-immune diseases and many heart issues are now considered to arise from stuffed feelings?)

The good news is that there's a third alternative: when a feeling arises, just feel it, healthily and completely.

So what on earth does that mean?

First, a feeling is actually just a bunch of chemicals running through the body. When an event, either outer or inner, triggers an emotion such as fear, anger or sadness, the adrenals and other endocrine glands flood the body with hormones and neuropeptides. If the feeling is fully felt , these chemicals pour out through the bloodstream, giving instructions to the cells (e.g., "shut down digestion; send blood to the arms and legs; shorten reaction time," etc.) - and in three to ten seconds the counter-chemicals, the calm-down hormones, chase them down, neutralize them and you are back to normal!

"Right, sure," you say. "When did I last have a big feeling that lasted only ten seconds? What about the feelings that go on for days? That's why I don't want to feel my feelings!"

Good point. Enter another factor (I was going to say "villain," but that's not really fair): the mind. When a feeling arises, it's like a big wave: up, peak, down in a few seconds. EXCEPT that our mind feels its job is to explain why the feeling is there! Whenever the mind spots a feeling coming up, it goes bananas trying to assign a logical "reason" this emotion has arisen. It creates a story. "It's because of Her or Him. I'm worried about This or That. What if That happened... How could He/She... How dare They..." etc., etc. In my article Cell Memories I explain why virtually all of these supposed reasons are false, but for now the important thing is that these stories are like a giant skyhook that grabs the wave of feeling and keeps it at its peak, for minutes, hours, days, weeks...

I bet you've caught yourself at this game a few times. How many times have you felt your anger at someone begin to fade, and then jacked it up again with another thought, another cause for outrage? Or made yourself remember a loss, or a threat, keeping the feeling going? Well, our mind does this all the time in a less overt way, spinning story after story to "account for" our feelings, and keep them going... Yet what is a feeling? By itself, without the story, it is just a bunch of chemicals going through the body - and it is over in three to ten seconds!

So how do you get to feel a feeling, fully and healthily, and have it melt away in seconds, leaving no residue, no "stuffed" cell memories, no explosions onto other people? Leaving you in a state of expansive, restful calm?

Here's how:

•Listen to your thoughts for "stories." You can tell a story because it feels charged with anxiety, worry, fear, regret, guilt, anger, etc. Common story lines begin with phrases like "If only I..." "What if..." "How could he/she/you/they..." "I can't stand..." Stories are usually about the past or the future, not the present moment.

•Imagine using a pair of golden scissors to cut the story off close to your head.

•Immediately turn your attention to the feeling in the body that triggered the story in the first place. Notice where it is concentrated in the body, if it feels tight, loose, sinking, rising, hot, cold, etc.

•Name the feeling : "This is sadness/fear/shame/guilt/rage/hatred/frustration..."

•Picture the feeling as a wave rising up. Keep feeling...

•Picture yourself diving into the wave , burrowing into it, swimming right down into the core of it. Keep feeling...

•Feel the wave peak and begin to die down. Stay in the core , just paying attention.

•As the feeling disappears, notice what is here after the wave has come and gone. Open your awareness into this calm, smooth ocean of peace, well-being and tranquility.

Now, it took much longer to read that than it does to experience it! And the more often you practice cutting off the story and opening into the wave of feeling, the sooner you will learn that NO feeling, EVER, when fully experienced , does anything more than lead you right into the peace and expansiveness at the core of your being. And so who could ever want to stuff a feeling, or throw it at someone else, when just by feeling it fully, you are led into a very delightful state of well-being?

How much do we do, or refrain from doing, because we are afraid that if we do this, or don't do that, say this, or don't say that, we will "feel bad"?   And just suppose there were no more "bad" feelings - just chemical states in the body that rise and fall in seconds, leaving us in peace and well-being if we are willing to honor them with our complete attention, letting go of any story about them and simply feeling them fully. What if we were never again subject to being blackmailed by the threat of "feeling bad"? What if we just embraced any feeling that came along, because we know where it's going to take us - and fast?

Would this be true freedom? My experience says yes. When you can open completely into any feeling and know that it will lead you into the core of your being, an amazing thing happens: you are free to be completely yourself. No one else's opinions can pull you off course, for you are not afraid to "feel bad" if they disapprove. And - even more miraculous - as you learn to open fully into the more contracted end of the feeling spectrum, you are also learning to welcome the more expansive feeling states. The joy, peace, love, gratitude and freedom that are your true birthright can now come pouring into your awareness, because the door is open to welcome them. Enjoy! And...

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